ÔCRASH ORIGINÕ
by Stanley
Lieber
Copyright
© Stanley Lieber, 2010
Collecting
TEXT ADVENTURE #1-7
textadventure.stanleylieber.com
MASSIVE
FICTIONS
massivefictions.com
This
is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the
product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any
resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events or
locales is entirely coincidental.
All
rights reserved.
CRASH
ORIGIN
tags:
1987, piro, tab1, tab2
1
Le Bourget, Paris, 1987.
Mid-morning. Overcast. Thomas and Piotr are
threading through a crowd of spectators.
ÒSunscreen check,Ó announces Piotr.
ÒBut the sunÕs not even out,Ó complains Thomas.
Piotr shoots him a look. ÒSafety first. Next,
comfort.Ó
Thomas produces a small tube of sunscreen from
his pocket and proceeds to apply it evenly across his nose and cheeks.
ÒSatisfied?Ó he asks.
ÒNever,Ó Piotr replies, ÒBut IÕm close to
spectacular.Ó
Thomas observes the slight distance between
them, then bumps shoulders with his twin brother.
ÒNot in the field,Ó Thomas says, his thoughts
apparently moving towards evening.
My son is never prepared for anything. This is
intersubjectively testable. Try surprising him. YouÕll find him unprepared.
Example: Send a number of military jets crashing into the ground. YouÕll find
he can think of no response. Piotr is always pulling clean-up duty.
This has been the steady pattern, played out
over two decades.
The boy has now turned
thirty. The peak of his operational powers. Still, he does nothing. Sits there
and trades one-liners with his partner. No return on investment. My reports
frequently exaggerate his exploits.
After all, this all comes out of my budget.
Sunlight cracks the clouds as the first plane
careens into the pavement. I steer a brightly painted Mig-29 into the crowd,
accidentally clipping a building in the process. Debris pelts the bystanders
below. Probably, eighty or ninety dead. Thomas and Piotr are a few hundred
yards off, but they enjoy a clear line of sight to the carnage.
ThomasÕ response?
Bewilderment, at first. My son stands
transfixed. He fingers his visor, instinctively, but evinces no other reaction.
Not even a change in his facial expression.
Piotr suffers no such paralysis. He shifts
contexts with ease, drawing his side-arm and sweeping the corridor overhead.
When no new danger presents itself, he looks towards Tommy.
Priorities.
I bring in the next two planes simultaneously. A
pair of old RF-4Es. PiotrÕs side-arm is quite naturally useless against the two
masses traveling at such a velocity. For his part, Thomas remains riveted to
his spot. Even if his visor is malfunctioning, there is still the sound, the
smoke from multiple impacts that has surely reached his nostrils. Why doesnÕt
he react?
Piotr grasps him by the back of the shirt and
hurls him behind a high wall as flames envelop the vacant space beside them.
2
This is not how I expected it to happen.
At the same time, it very much conforms to my
vision of the destruction. Even if the alarm is ringing six years late.
The planes are falling.
Piro is yanking on my shirt, weÕre diving behind
a building. There are flames.
That first plane was Soviet. Seems to be a
multilateral engagement.
The logical result of Glasnost?
Of course, IÕm not harmed. IÕm invulnerable.
Class 100 strength. Flight.
PiotrÕs photographic reflexes arenÕt much use
against disintegrating architecture, but he has a knack for getting out of the
way of large objects.
I punch my way through the wall and barrel face
first through the smoke. Bodies are splayed everywhere. Horrific smells. Some
dead children.
I lift some older citizens away from the fires,
then report back to Piotr.
ÒSomethingÕs not right about this, boss.Ó
PiotrÕs eyes are focused on some distant point.
By the gentle arc of his stare I deduce he is tracking a moving object.
ÒRIIIIIIIIIGHT FACE!Ó he
cries. Instinctively, I spin ninety degrees to my right, just in time for Piotr
to give me a hard shove.
HeÕs shot me in the back.
I go down.
3
HeÕs impossible.
At least heÕs toppled over. That one almost got
us.
I give him a hand and then dust off his back. I
guess IÕve ruined his shirt.
He seems to think itÕs funny, so weÕre good.
A lot of activity in the sky, now. Some planes
are starting to land instead of just crashing into the ground. Notably, a
Blackbird and what appears to be an F-117A. Strange that the latter should be
out and about during the day. And at a foreign air show, no less. Officially,
the plane doesnÕt even exist.
A number of jeeps escort the two planes off the
runway. A hangar is opened up and the parade disappears behind closed doors.
I motion to Thomas and he confirms.
We need to investigate.
4
What the hell are they doing?
Thomas and Piotr are inside the hanger. I lost
them for a moment but then I caught site of my sonÕs ridiculous spiked hair.
I move a few sentries into an adjacent corridor.
Then the boys turn left.
Suddenly, I flash on an idea.
The boys still havenÕt made their way out of the
administrative offices. There is time to move the planes out the other side of
the hangar. When they finally break through, the hangar will be empty. ItÕs
simple sleight of hand.
Obviously, nothing could ever be that easy.
Piotr picks up on the sounds of activity and
theyÕre faster breaching the main corridor than I had anticipated.
I make an executive decision to light up the
whole building. The Air Force will have to take the loss. These men knew what
they were signing up for.
I console myself that this will look great on
television. Especially with the Soviet plane coming down first.
All in all, not a total loss.
5
When the explosions kick in I know for sure that
my father is involved.
I hoist Piotr by his backpack and punch a hole
through the roof. WeÕre well above the fray by the time the building collapses.
Piotr takes potshots at the scrambling jeeps.
The sky seems alive with fighter jets, all
converging on our position.
I fly faster.
6
IÕm shouting curses in ThomasÕ ear but at this
speed he canÕt hear me. I know he can survive in a vacuum but I hope he
remembers IÕve no protection against the cold. In the hopes of surviving our
escape, I snatch the respirator from my backpack and stick it on my nose. The
sky is growing dark.
7
My son is an idiot.
IMPRESSIVELY
ARTICULATE
tags: 1989, 1990, christopher, eva_bright,
john_ratcliff, ken_thompson, piro, tab1, tab2
1
The Chrysler Building. New York. 1989.
New YearÕs Eve.
ÒIÕd like to propose a thought experiment for
anti-Evolution Creationists: Suppose God created the 4-D space/time football
six thousand years ago.Ó
ÒComplete with billions of years of real
history?Ó
ÒExactly.Ó
ÒAre you suggesting this would bypass their
objections to evolutionary theory?Ó
ÒIÕm suggesting it would confuse them.Ó
2
ÒHere you are, doing the DevilÕs work.Ó
Super-Sonic. John Ratcliff. White Male wearing
tattered jeans and a gray sweater. Acclaimed poet. Enforcer.
ÒThe Devil can cite Scripture for his own
purpose. IÕm merely speculating on possible angles of attack.Ó
The Raven. Christopher. No last name on record.
African-American vigilante. Black T-shirt with slogan in white News Gothic:
ÔImpressively Articulate.Õ
ÒIÕd really like to hear what my father would
have to say about all this.Ó
Sonic Boom. Ken Thompson. Not that Ken Thompson. Asian-American speedster. Green polo
shirt. Jeans.
ÒYouÕre drowning in rhetoric,Ó John observed. ÒArgumentation
is not the best weapon against these types.Ó
ÒStipulated,Ó allowed Christopher.
ÒYou guys are too cynical.Ó
In unison: ÒShut up, Ken.Ó
3
ÒBrothers, please. Decorum.Ó
Actron. Thomas Bright. White male. Ostensible
leader of the Actron Team. Blue cotton button down shirt with black silk tie.
Thomas brushed aside the disturbance and poured himself a glass of water from
the fridge. Ken popped up the collar of his polo shirt and leaned back into his
seat.
ÒI donÕt mind, really. My ideas are still
forming.Ó
ÒShut up, Ken,Ó said Thomas.
ÒEnough of this dick party. We need a womanÕs
opinion. WhereÕs Eva?Ó
Christopher pushed his chair away from the table
and stood up. He made eye contact with John before vacating the room.
ÒNevermore,Ó he rasped, sarcastically, and left.
4
ÒWhatÕs his problem?Ó asked Ken.
ÒTheyÕre not getting along,Ó said Thomas,
stating the obvious.
ÒSeriously though,Ó continued John, ÒWhere is she? We were discussing this just
last week. I know she has something to contribute, but I donÕt want to speak
for her. I want to hear her explain it herself.Ó
Thomas gestured with his glass, spilling a small
amount of water onto the kitchen floor. ÒI think sheÕs on the phone with Los
Angeles.Ó
5
ÒYeah, letÕs not tell him I called,Ó Piro
wheezed into his mouthpiece, still catching his breath. ÒI donÕt think we need
to bother him with every detail of the operation.Ó
ÒFine with me. You take care of yourself out
there. From what I understand, L.A. is starting toÉÓ
ÒYeah, L.A. is.Ó
Eva clicked her phone shut and crushed her
cigarette in the retractable ashtray. She wondered when it would be possible to
move her corporation away from the cocaine trade. Recent developments in
domestic politics were making it difficult to keep her agentsÕ names out of the
news. She sighed, then drew the blinds in her office and made her way to the
kitchen.
6
ÒWhy did economists not do a better job of
anticipating the crisis?Ó
ÒTom, itÕs just not that simple.Ó
ÒYou always
say that.Ó
ÒThe causal mechanism behind growth and decline
is not fully understood. All known models are essentially useless.Ó
ÒYou always say that, too.Ó
ÒI donÕt know what else to tell you.Ó
ÒWell, tell me something. Tell me anything.
I need answers.Ó
John rolled his eyes.
7
ÒWhat are you guys talking about?Ó
Eva sat down at the kitchen table and dealt a
hand of cards.
ÒThis and that,Ó said Thomas, picking up his
cards and inspecting his hand.
ÒChristopher was going on about Creationists.
Then he got mad and left.Ó
ÒShut up, Ken,Ó said Eva.
Ken fumed silently. John remained silent for an
appropriate interval and then picked up the dangling thread.
ÒOur Chris has an antagonistic bent. I suggested
we should hear your side of the story. That was too much for him to bear.Ó
ÒItÕs not like I would have defended the Creationists,Ó said Eva. ÒBut I would have been fair.Ó
ÒExactly,Ó smiled John.
ÒWhatever. Christopher is really focused on this
issue. IÕm sure it will come up again.Ó
ÒItÕs inevitable,Ó sighed John.
ÒBy design,Ó added Ken, and this time no one
bothered to correct him.
8
ThomasÕ luck was infuriating to his teammates.
He won every hand but didnÕt even understand the game.
ÒIÕll just take this one out of your paychecks,Ó
he said.
ÒYour poker record is truly remarkable,Ó started
John, ÒConsidering we have to
remind you of the rules every time we play.Ó
ÒWhatÕs to remark? The fruits of a superior
motivation.Ó
ÒAlso known as the Will to Power. Tell us, just what lengths are you willing to go to
in order to achieve your goals?Ó
ÒNot funny. Just a fact. Besides, IÕve moved on
from Nietzsche.Ó
ÒThere are no facts. And no one moves on from
Nietzsche. WeÕve caught you before. I suspect youÕve found a new way to cheat.Ó
ÒAll right, I feel stupid,Ó admitted Thomas. ÒI
donÕt know what to say.Ó
John relaxed his posture, enjoying the easy
victory. ÒIÕll give you a few seconds to come up with a story.Ó
ÒFuck,Ó said Thomas.
ÒAll right boys,Ó interrupted Eva, scooping up
her playing cards and returning them to the deck. ÒLetÕs keep it PG-13.Ó
ÒMom, heÕs cheating!Ó cried John. ÒPunish him!Ó
ÒNo, IÕm serious. YouÕre all fired,Ó Thomas
said, and left the room. No one was sure if he was serious.
ÒAnd that settles that,Ó said Ken.
EvaÕs phone rang as the clock turned over into
1990.
She switched off the ringer.
YOUÔVE
POSTED THIS BEFORE
tags: 1990, john_ratcliff, ken_thompson,
piro, tab2
1
The Chrysler Building. New York. 1990.
January.
ÒYouÕve posted this before.Ó
ÒNo shit.Ó
ÒSo why are you posting it again?Ó
Piro arched an eyebrow. ÒItÕs tradition.Ó
ÒSeriously?Ó
Piro sat at the keyboard clacking away. Simple,
declarative sentences. Topical assertions.
ÒNobody cares about this stupid newsletter,Ó
offered Thomas.
Piro remained silent. Typing.
ÒNobodyÕs even going to read it.Ó
Silence.
ÒYour spelling sucks.Ó
Piro flicked on the radio and turned up the
volume.
Thomas grimaced. ÒI hate reading.Ó
Piro leaned over the mimeograph machine, making
small adjustments to various knobs and switches while Thomas fidgeted in the
doorway.
ÒThereÕs literally no way IÕm going to help you
fold all of those things.Ó
ÒI donÕt care.Ó
ÒThis whole side-project is stupid. You really
think the value-added is necessary? This stuff sells itself. No Ôfree gift with
purchaseÕ required.Ó
Piro stopped what he was doing and turned to
face his twin brother.
ÒIf youÕre not going to contribute to the
newsletter, please go into the kitchen and start bagging up rocks.Ó
Thomas shrugged and wandered out of the room.
2
Ken steered the Actron TeamÕs 1978 Lincoln Town
Car through the streets of Alphabet City. Trash on the sidewalk reflected in
the carÕs fresh candy paint. Passing some children, Ken boosted the volume on
the custom sound system. The children giggled and pointed. He smiled and mashed
the gas pedal. Shining.
Destination: The G-Spot.
Ken rounded the final corner and slowly brought
the outsized car to a stop. He lowered a tinted window and inspected his
immediate surroundings. The parking lot was deserted save for two NYPD cruisers
and a 1979 Chevrolet Monte Carlo (sky blue metal flake, white interior,
whitewall tires; that would be John). Ken popped the collar on his polo shirt
and exited the vehicle.
Inside, the club was all but vacant. Smoke from
an abandoned cigarette snaked upward towards a light bulb hanging from the
ceiling. The two police officers were inspecting a briefcase full of cocaine.
One of them turned around and smiled dumbly, coke caked in his mustache. John
Ratcliff stood nearby, a duffel bag full of money slung over his shoulder. When
he saw his partner he frowned and shrugged.
Ken stood in the entryway and surveyed the empty
stage. Strobe lights clicked rhythmically, strangely loud in the otherwise
silent environs.
ÒWhere the white women at?Ó he finally asked.
The cop with the coke mustache started to
giggle, but never finished his outburst. Ken activated his super-speed and
closed the distance between himself and the two officers in a hundred
milliseconds flat. He slammed the meat of his open hand into the first
officerÕs chin, then rolled with the momentum into the second officerÕs chest,
following him to the ground. Both cops collapsed, unconscious, Ken straightened
himself and dusted off his knees.
ÒHmph,Ó he he remarked, unimpressed.
John hoisted both men from the floor and hung
them by their jacket collars on coat hooks near the front entrance. Each would
see hospital time but neither would suffer permanent injury. John tossed the
bag full of money at Ken and made his way over to the bar to pour himself a
drink.
ÒTired of this grind.Ó
ÒSo quit.Ó
ÒYouÕre funny.Ó
Ken sighed.
ÒYeah.Ó
3
Outside, some children had wandered into the
parking lot and were peering inside JonÕs Monte Carlo, noses pressed up against
the glass.
ÒBoy, is that white leather?Ó
ÒSure is.Ó
ÒMy brotherÕs car is like this, but his doesnÕt
have leather.Ó
ÒSounds like your brother needs to find himself
a better paying job.Ó
Ken flopped the briefcase full of coke onto the
hood of the car.
ÒTake this to your brother. If he brings it back
in a week, filled with moneyÉÓ
ÒWe have great health insurance,Ó interrupted
John. ÒDental and vision. Also, free car detailing. WeÕll see what we can do
about his vinyl seats.Ó
ÓWow,
mister! Thanks!Ó
John patted the boy on the head and then got
into the Monte Carlo and peeled out. Ken smoked a cigarette, wandered back to
the Lincoln and rolled over a beer bottle on his way out of the parking lot.
There was no damage to the Town CarÕs bullet-proof tires.
As soon as the adults were gone the boys pounced
on the briefcase, numerous hands scooping out coke and heaving it carelessly
over their shoulders. As it happened, directly into the wind. Some of the
powder blew back and caught in their teeth and hair. Undeterred by this minor
annoyance, the boys wiped the backs of their hands across their faces and soon
discovered the rows of individually wrapped crack rocks that lined the bottom
of the briefcase. Immediately, they went to work removing the wrappers.
Tossing the pebbles of crack aside, each paper
wrapper was inspected closely, compared carefully with the others. Soon it became
apparent that all of the wrappers were identical. Worse, the material was
immediately recognizable. Not just predictable, but in fact an exact duplicate
of an issue they had all read before.
ÒItÕs a fucking reprint,Ó said one of the boys.
He flipped over the wrapper, frantically
scanning for the publisher information. There, printed in bold Helvetica, was
the name of their nemesis:
Massive Fictions. Piotr Bright, Publisher.
The Chrysler Building.
NYC.
One of the boys produced a brick phone from his
backpack and put in a call to headquarters.
Calling in for backup.
YOU
ARE NOT A GADGET,
HE CLAIMED, VIA CELLPHONE
tags: 1990,
eva_bright, freeway_ricky_ross, jaron_lanier, ken_thompson, piro, tab1, tab2
1
Dreamed I was a tomcat.
Trundling along the side of the road, fur matted
with dirty snow. Searching for illegal narcotics.
My women were nowhere to be found.
Which was fine.
I happened to be armed. As I ambled along, a car
sped by and splashed sludge in my face. I fired three rounds into its
rear-right tire and the driver went over an embankment. An excruciating
crashing noise followed. It rang in my ears.
I approached the vehicle and emptied the rest of
my weapon into the driverÕs chest.
I found part of a hollowed out cantaloupe and
slipped it over my head.
Cute.
No one would prosecute a Persian cat.
2
ÒOh, great.Ó
ÒWhat?Ó
ÒI accidentally saved an image of Spider-Man in
my porn folder.Ó
ÒSo? Move it. Or delete it.Ó
ÒBut I clicked ÔSaveÕ without seeing the name of
the file.Ó
ÒSo?Ó
ÒSo, how am I supposed to find it? This folder
is 5TB. I donÕt want that Spider-Man image to someday be found amongst my
archival porn.Ó
ÒSo, go back and start to save it again and see what
the suggested filename is. You probably just hit ÔEnterÕ when you saved it.Ó
ÒThatÉ is a very good idea.Ó
ÒI think I once helped your dad with a similar
problem.Ó
3
Jaron Lanier scooped up a handful of the white
powder and inspected it closely.
ÒThis appears to be cocaine.Ó
ÒNo shit, Lanier,Ó said Piro.
Lanier peered into his hand, face wrinkled in
concentration.
Piro turned to Thomas. ÒHeÕs always like this.Ó
ÒHe doesnÕt get high out of our supply, does
he?Ó
Piro stopped Thomas before he went any further
with that line of thought.
ÒNo. At least, not that IÕm aware.Ó
4
It turned out that my son had the drugs.
Nepeta cataria.
Fifty grams. IÕm certain his intent was to sell.
I left ten grams with an I.O.U.
The rest I put in my nose. I then put on dark
sunglasses to mask my dilated pupils, the visible redness in my eyes.
A car drove by and its pilot tossed an empty
beer can at my head. It bounced off the cantaloupe and skittered into the grass
by the side of the road.
I peered at the exhaust trail over the top of my
sunglasses.
Then I pulled out my gun.
5
It was Ken on the phone.
ÒLanier, I need some help with these verb
tenses.Ó
ÒNot now, Ken, weÕreÉ weighingÉ the drugs.Ó
Piro snatched the phone away from him and barked
into the mouthpiece.
ÒKen! Not on this phone!Ó
He jammed his thumb on the ÔEndÕ button and then
turned back to Lanier.
ÒAre you damaged?
He can study on his own time!Ó
ÒSorry, sorry,Ó said Lanier, taking a kilo off
of the scales.
Piro extracted the SIM
card from the phone and crushed it in his hand.
ÒCard,Ó he said.
Ricky tossed him a replacement and Piro snapped
it into place, booted up the phone. He dialed New York.
ÒEva, patch me through to Nicaragua.Ó
Some moments passed and then Piro began shouting
into the mouthpiece in gutter Spanish. He rung off and handed the phone back to
Lanier.
ÒDonÕt lose that.Ó
Thomas finished with his baggies and then dusted
off his hands.
ÒKenÕs obsession with Japanese culture is
becoming a problem. He canÕt keep his mind on his work. Someone needs to ship
him back to Japan.Ó
Piro rolled his eyes. Not for the first time
that day.
ÒHis parents donÕt want him back. At least not until he learns
to speak Japanese.Ó
ÒHuh. That seems unlikely to happen. CouldnÕt we
just do fansubs for them?Ó
The men all shared a laugh and then got back to
work.
6
Ken unpaused and then re-paused the DVD.
He was at an impasse. The episode of DOUBLE CATS was only a quarter of the
way through, but he was having trouble understanding the dialogue. Finally, he
had given up and called Lanier for help.
He was supposed to be translating these episodes
for the torrent site.
How could he admit that as a native Japanese, he
couldnÕt even speak his own language?
His mind raced. Activating his super-speed, he
cleaned up his apartment and did the dishes in just under four seconds, moving
so fast he knocked over a bookshelf and had to re-shelve the books. This added
another two seconds to the tally. He started a pot of spaghetti noodles boiling
and took some wine out of the refrigerator. Another half-second.
The impending public humiliation would surely
kill him.
Unexpectedly, the phone rang.
ÒKen.Ó
It was Lanier.
ÒI canÕt stay on here long, but let hear some of
the phrases and IÕll give you some quick translations.Ó
ÒAll right, the cat is wearing a cantaloupe on
its head, it just pulled out a gun and shot out the tires of a car. The car
went into a ditch and crashed. Now the cat is smoking a cigarette and putting
on a pair of sunglasses. The cat says:
Baka.Ó
Lanier paused before answering.
ÒWhatÉ What exactly are we translating here?Ó
ÒItÕs an anime. IÕm supposed to be doing
fansubs. I committed to the first six episodes by tonight.Ó
ÒThatÕs a lot of work, Ken. YouÕre not a gadget,
you know.Ó
ÒYeah, but geeze, shouldnÕt I at least be able
to handle this? I didnÕt even start learning English until I was six years old.
How could I have completely forgotten my own language?Ó
ÒUh, IÕve gotta go.Ó
Lanier hung up.
7
ÒWhat are you doing? Give me the phone.Ó
Piro took the cellphone and stuffed it in his
jacket pocket. He pushed Lanier out of the way and then locked the door to the
kitchen.
ÒThomas. Set the timers. We need a good twenty
minutes to get out of the neighborhood.Ó
Thomas set all the detonators and the team
evacuated the little house.
ÒMaybe I should call dad,Ó he said, once he had
finished loading up his gear.
ÒWhy?Ó
ÒHe might have some good ideas about how toÉÓ
Now it was ThomasÕ turn to roll his eyes. ÒOh, never mind.Ó
The men climbed into their white van and pulled
away from the safe house. As the vehicle accelerated into traffic, Lanier began
to scribble in his notebook.
Piro gestured towards him, frowning.
ÒI donÕt want this guy coming along with us next
time.Ó
ÒWhat did I
do,Ó Lanier protested.
ÒShut up,Ó the rest of the men said in unison.
ÒThis is a business,Ó Piro began. ÒThereÕs not
time for dicking around with language studies and sketching portraits.Ó
Thomas pretended to ignore the scene from behind
his visor. He brought up some sports scores and wondered at the meticulous
pointlessness of the statistics industry.
ÒHuh. It looks like the Bears have taken the
Super Bowl.Ó
The van hit a bump and for a split second
ThomasÕ visor slid up and exposed his face.
ÒOh God, whatÕs wrong with his eyes?Ó asked
Lanier.
Thomas stuck out his tongue and went back to
scanning the news.
SENSE
OF DEBT
tags: 1954, 1990, coco_schwab,
david_bowie, piro, tab2
1
November, 1954.
Bowie picked up the envelope and ran his finger
along its edge, holding it in his hand for a moment of silent admiration before
tearing it open with his fingernail and devouring its contents.
But inside was an actual piece of
correspondence.
He slammed the door to his dressing room and
sulked in his chair. This was unconscionable.
The note was from his mother.
Dear Son,
it read.
I
have received another notice from your creditors. This cannot go on. I am going
to give them your address. If you do not write to them, IÕm going to suggest
that they call the police. There is nothing more I can do for you. I will not
pay off another one of your debts. If that means that you go to jail, then so
be it.
Love,
Mom
Bowie crumpled the note and tossed it on his
makeup table. He opened a bottle of water and poured it on the carpet, tracing
an occult symbol that was only present in his mind.
The bitch! I have overhead!
A quiet knock came at the door. Then another,
somewhat louder.
He straightened, all trace of disquiet drained
from his face.
Time to take the stage.
2
Piro and Thomas hopped into the RAGNAROK and strapped on their seatbelts. The engine warbled
softly as Thomas adjusted his data
gloves.
ÒWhatÕs the difference between a raven and a
writing desk?Ó asked Thomas, gesturing through a cloud of invisible
information.
ÒBy weight?Ó asked the other.
ÒSure.Ó
ÒIÕd say bout fifty kilos.Ó
ÒSounds about right,Ó agreed Thomas, scribbling
in his palm. ÒAnyway, we ought to go further back and try to sell some of this
stuff to all those 19th century artsy types who were hooked on heroine. Can you
imagine?Ó
ÒNo, I canÕt,Ó said Piro.
ÒAw, come on.Ó
Ignoring his twin brother, Piro accelerated
smoothly into the clouds above New York City.
Lately, Thomas was spending far too much of his
free time reading childrenÕs literature.
3
Bowie stomped through the concert, affecting
strange poses. Back in his dressing room, he unwadded the note from his mother
and then wadded it back up again, lit it on fire with his cigarette lighter.
Coco rushed over and doused the flames with a tumbler of scotch.
Which didnÕt help at all.
Bowie stripped off his Puerto Rican jacket and
patted out the fire. He was careful of his shoes.
ÒThat was incredibly stupid,Ó he said, icily.
ÒNow IÕve ruined my shoulder pads. What were you thinking about?Ó
ÒReflex,Ó was all she could offer in reply.
Changing tacks, Bowie started digging around in
her purse.
ÒYouÕve got so much crap in here. WhereÕs the coke?Ó
ÒWeÕre out.Ó
ÒWhat,Ó he growled,
turning back towards her, baring his teeth. The cigarette fell out of his mouth
and landed on the carpet. Coco ran over and crushed it with her heel.
She was out of scotch.
Bowie also noticed that she had retrieved a
baggy from a hidden compartment in her brassiere.
ÒOnly kidding,Ó she said, waving it towards his
face.
Bowie snatched the baggy and sat back down in
his chair. Engrossed.
ÒWe canÕt have any more of these close calls,Ó
he sighed, and dove in.
4
Piro piloted the RAGNAROK
towards 1954.
Thomas was dozing. Noticing this, Piro took the
opportunity to put on some soft music.
Suddenly, Thomas started awake. He shot forward
and Piro heard a loud thump. He looked over and Thomas had hit his forehead on
the dashboard.
ÒWHAT! IS! THIS! CRAP!Ó he shouted. Piro
couldnÕt be certain whether he was reacting to the noise or to the pain.
ÒBowie. ÔGolden Years.ÕÓ
ÒYouÕre one of those people who listens to every
album by an artist while youÕre driving to see them in concert, arenÕt you.Ó
Piro remained silent. Piloting.
ÒPlus, your chronology is off. In 1954, he
hasnÕt even written this song yet.Ó
Piro reached for the dash and ejected the
cassette.
ÒFine. See? IÕm putting it away.Ó
5
Coco had come up with a new supplier. She was on
the phone with them now. Bowie stared nervously at her hands as she wound the
phone cord around her finger. A knock came at the door while she was still
talking. Now she was chewing on her pencil. She didnÕt seem to hear.
Bowie glanced at the door, and
then back at Coco.
Oblivious, she kept on talking.
Bowie coughed, quietly. His eyes were pleading
with her to hear, to do something. Of course, he couldnÕt say anything. It was
not his place to answer the door. Sweat running down his neck, he kicked over a
chair. Then tried to look composed.
The knock came again.
This time, Coco noticed the disturbance. She
picked up the phone and started towards the door.
Bowie fell back in his chair. A wave of relief swept
over his sunken features.
He lit a cigarette.
6
Piro pulled out his flip-phone and dialed the
new customers.
ÒIÕll just make sure theyÕre ready for us,Ó he
whispered.
Piro talked for ten minutes. It seemed like an
endless amount of chitchat. Thomas had no patience for customer relations, but
Piro seemed to relish any opportunity to interact with a client.
And this woman.
Was Thomas actually jealous?
He booted up his gun.
Now Piro was knocking on the door. Why? Just tell
her weÕre here.
Hm. No answer from the marks.
7
Just as Coco turned the door handle, both of the
doors blew violently inward, completely off of their hinges. Coco was thrown to
the ground. Fortunately for her, the Bakelite telephone took the worst of it.
Bowie stared in paralyzed horror at the
shattered pieces of plastic on the floor. He was transfixed. There was
something familiar here. Something about the pattern of debrisÉ Abruptly, he
snapped out of it. This was how it always was with him, he observed. One second
in dreamland and the next fully focused.
ÒCoco. Take dictation.Ó
ÒRrrrmÉÓ she moaned.
ÒGet up,Ó he insisted.
Piro and Thomas entered, weapons drawn,
targeting both adult humans with practiced efficiency.
Bowie ignored them.
ÒWhen the phone broke, I looked down at the
carpet. The cracked plastic formed a picture. I saw the letters: s, h, n, z,
n.Ó
Coco maintained her expression. It would take
more than an explosion and a broken telephone to rattle her.
ÒItÕs Shenzhen, China.Ó
ÒWhat?Ó asked Thomas.
I see, Coco said with her
eyes. ÒReal estate or commodities?Ó
ÒReal estate. Get Tony on the phone. WeÕll grab
as much as we can, now, while itÕs still available. Sort it out later. IÕve got
a good feeling about this one.Ó
ÒHow much do we spend?Ó
Bowie was rolling up the sleeves of his shirt,
loosening his necktie. He snorted conspicuously and answered quickly.
ÒAll of it.Ó
8
ÒI donÕt know, Mr. Bowie, it seems rather
unorthodox to sign your motherÕs name to a cocaine bill.Ó
ÒSheÕs my business partner. And weÕre going to
need plenty of marching powder for the new venture.Ó
Coco arranged the paperwork on the table as
Bowie signed his motherÕs name at the bottom of each page. She reached over and
smoothed down his eyebrow as he worked.
Thomas was smiling.
Piro decided it didnÕt matter. ÒI guess it will
have to do.Ó
Bowie suddenly looked concerned. ÒAre you sure
you wonÕt have any problems filling the standing order?Ó
Thomas motioned with his thumb.
ÒYou wouldnÕt believe how much of this stuff we
have back in the ship.Ó
At this, Piro decided to interject.
ÒSo long as you can come up with the money,
there is literally an unlimited supply.Ó
Bowie looked please with himself. His yellow
teeth shined a skeleton grin.
ÒFriends. I think
this is going to work out just fine.Ó
BIG
PANTIES
tags: 1991, christopher, eva_bright,
ken_thompson, maude_mold, piro, plinth_mold, tab2
1
May, 1991.
These memories simulate a very dark period in my
life.
2
I had dumped an awful lot of money into Next
Computer.
For obvious reasons, this troubled the King.
ÒMaryland Procurement Office,Ó I would remind.
ÒWeÕre just shoring up inventory.Ó
ÒItÕs easier to buy a judge than to ask for
permission,Ó the King would retort.
Whatever that was supposed to mean.
ÒPerot is our man. Remember who works for whom.Ó
But the King did in fact hold the purse strings.
At least in this decade. I looked forward to a time when the man could be
properly disposed of. Driven from the enterprise.
At this rate, he would snort his way through our
operating capital in a matter of weeks.
3
I grew weary of kings. After a short period of
deliberation I disabled comms with 4086. It was an obvious measure too long
delayed.
4
Christopher threw down his leaf in disgust.
ÒThis book is crap,Ó he said.
Ken checked the flashing index. BLACK GANGSTER, by Donald Goines.
ÒSo, whatÕs so bad about it?Ó he asked.
ÒNothing. If youÕve never committed a crime in
your life, and you donÕt know the difference between gorilla pimping
and—Ó
ÒI donÕt know, I read it when I was a teenager.
It seemed realistic enough to me.Ó
Christopher rolled his eyes until it hurt and
snapped a new clip into his pistol. He decided to change the subject.
ÒYou got the crack?Ó
ÒI donÕt know, Chris, IÕm not so sure I can
trust your judgment anymore. IÕm starting to wonder if your political views are
having an influence on your—Ó
Christopher pulled down his ski-mask and turned
off his phone. He walked over and poked Ken directly in the chest.
ÒI donÕt give a fuck who you think you can
trust. Stop whining and get in the van.Ó
The two men took their places in the vehicle.
ÒIÕm in like Flynn,Ó said Ken.
Christopher punched Ken in the neck.
ÒPut on your seat belt.Ó
5
My organization ran with a minimum of friction.
Piro handled operations. Eva ran comms. ThomasÉ
mostly stocked shelves.
I took notes.
In this way, the years advanced, unrolling like
paper tape from under one of my old shirts.
I liked to stay hands-off. There could be no
benefit to my constantly butting heads with the lower-level management.
Besides, Piro was reasonably competent.
We didnÕt fraternize, on the whole.
My wife was a different story. She simply
couldnÕt follow the program. I discovered her trail more than once.
Unacceptable sloppiness. This was a business.
In November, 1991, with some regret, I disabled
her power source.
6
ÒInstead of improvements, we got features.Ó
ÒThese panties are huge.Ó
ÒJust put them on.Ó
Christopher pulled into the driveway and
withdrew his key from the ignition. He looked over at Ken and wondered how the
man had ever passed a cursory background check.
Christopher adjusted his costume panties.
Without warning, the windshield exploded inward.
Plinth MoldÕs hand extended well beyond its
normal range, traversing the length of the vanÕs hood and grasping
ChristopherÕs flack jacket. His other hand slithered into the cabin and found
purchase around KenÕs throat.
Plinth yanked both men from the vehicle,
trailing bits of shatterproof glass. He deposited them both onto the sidewalk.
7
ÒBoss! What are you doing here?Ó
Plinth tapped KenÕs face to the ground. The
smaller man writhed mindlessly, firearm forgotten, oversized panties gathered
around his ankles.
Plinth examined the situation. It was a stuck
process. Too late for circumcision, but too soon for canonization.
And yet, he couldnÕt fire these men. Not
exactly.
ÒWhy are you both wearing giant panties?Ó
The two characters represented a significant
investment of system resources. Several proven quantities from the writing pool
had been used up, filling in their histories. It was likely that, once
terminated, the processes would not even relinquish the memory that had already
been consumed.
ÒItÕs our body armor, boss.Ó
It was not the answer Plinth had wanted to hear.
Never mind. He resolved to make yet more
adjustments to the running system.
He dialed the Chrysler Building and patched
himself through to Piro.
8
The incompetenceÉ
It wouldnÕt have been fair to blame them, but
still I couldnÕt look at their faces. Could I see myself in this?
Never mind. I resolved to make yet more
adjustments to the running system. Not premature optimization, but triage. The
machine hadnÕt yet crashed, but experience had taught me to expect more
trouble.
Perhaps humorously, I still thought it possible
to prevent a catastrophe.
I dialed the Chrysler Building and patched
myself through to Piro.
9
PlinthÕs wallet had deactivated itself due to
suspicious activity. The King had emptied the last of the corporate accounts.
As a result, it took more than two years to hup the errant processes. With his
other resources tied up in acquisitions, Plinth simply couldnÕt afford the man
hours needed to affect the required changes.
In the end, as he suspected, the corrupted
system memory was not freed when the processes restarted.
Programs continued to hang. The big panties
should have been a clear warning sign, but this was a realization that came
little, too late.
Eventually, the entire system bogged down.
Plinth couldnÕt log out.
10
Fuck it, IÕll reboot.
11
Years ago, the plane jerked.
FINAL
REPORT OF TEAM 34
tags: 1991, 1994, federal_grants,
nana_mold, paris_mold, piro, plinth_mold, shit_mold, tab2, violet
1
August, 1994.
Team 34, initial report.
As dictated by Captain Paris Mold.
Tear down. Clean up. Soft seductions.
WeÕre always called in on the quiet jobs. The
ones with a lot of work to be done, preferably without a lot of noise.
I have to admit, the world is a pretty big mess.
My team is competent. We pack light, so we can
cover a lot of ground in a short period of time.
Reputation. Dependability.
We donÕt deal in names, but weÕre well known to
the people that matter.
We do okay.
2
I task three assets to the South Pacific. One to
the Chrysler Building. I donÕt trust anyone but myself with Plinth.
Violet continues to elude us.
WeÕve laid down some perimeter product
placement, biding our time.
Nothing is coming up. ItÕs difficult to predict
emerging demographics, the interactions of different products. And Violet is a
professional. Humans melt in her hands.
I decide to call my mother.
3
ÒBarfight! Dipstick! Bricoloage! Go! Go! Go!Ó
Mother screams at my men through her mouthpiece.
They arenÕt used to hearing her shouting on the wire.
ÒNana! Where the hell have you been? WeÕre on
overtime!Ó
A firefight is underway. Clearing old signage
means engaging PlinthÕs aerosol defenses. WeÕre prepared, but understaffed.
ÒKeep formation, boys! IÕm losing your signal!Ó
At least Plinth is alone in this fight. We were
careful to remove old man Jerrymander from the board, decades prior to the
meltdown.
For her part, Mother keeps a tight handle on the
Mold family backups.
4
February, 1991.
Federal Grants straightens his paperwork and
peers deeply into Plinth MoldÕs single working eye.
There is a subtle click and MoldÕs head inclines
towards Grants. The gesture is all but imperceptible.
ÒWhy donÕt you tell me about your childhood.Ó
Dust plays in the sunlight streaming in through
the library window.
ÒHave you ever read a book called The Indian In The Cupboard?Ó
asks Plinth. ÒA childrenÕs piece. Published around 1960.Ó
Fed stifles a guffaw. ÒPlease. I donÕt read
kiddie trash. IÕve never even heard of it.Ó
ÒMy brother Pennis and I—we—published that book.Ó
Immediately, Grants realizes his tactical error.
ÒI—IÕm sorry.Ó
ÒIt was a thinly veiled retelling of the origin
of our family.Ó
This is no good. Grants panics, leaps from his
seat. ÒSir, I—Ó
ÒI think weÕre finished here.Ó
Plinth rises, exits.
5
PLINTHÔS LOG
524780 SECONDS FROM THE EPOCH
With the last hard boot less than a year in the
past, the world is already growing crowded. Mostly with clean-up crews. I
assume my brother Paris is amongst the rabble.
There are many starting conditions to seed.
Mother called, earlier today. Clean-up proceeds
apace. Paris is
amongst the rabble, but Violet remains hidden. IÕve asked her not to reveal my
whereabouts, either, for the time being.
IÕve also reinstated the Crown. And the Crown
has renewed my funding.
IÕm thinking about re-spawning Thomas and Piro.
They might amuse me in this new world.
And, thatÕs about it. For this month. More after
the new year.
6
January, 1995.
Team 34, final report.
As dictated by Captain Paris Mold.
Product placement has been completed. Rulesets
have been configured. Once customers start populating the layouts, later this
year, we should start to see good numbers. I think we can handle the traffic.
WeÕve decided to go with a variation on the
initial predilections from the last iteration. Non-standard prejudices. These first new
customers will find themselves inexplicably drawn towards the Asiatic races and
the flickering of camp fires. There is some debate over whether or not a
fascination with fire will hamper their survival rate. Will they fuck
themselves to death before they even get a chance to starve? Will the flames
and their genitals mix favorably?
Ha, thatÕs the test, isnÕt it?
Still no sign of Violet.
Or my brothers.
Mother has gone quiet.
Ping.
END CRASH ORIGIN
the saga continues
textadventure.stanleylieber.com
about the
author
Stanley Lieber has started a new novel.
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